Longing to be a bride of Christ

by Maria Verly

I long to be a bride of Christ. This does not seem to be the common reply to the question of what one desires most in life, but it is mine. I am a member of Holy Redeemer Parish in Marshall, MN. I come from a family of 7, raised Catholic, 20 years old, have one year left in college, and I am joyfully and freely entering St. Clare’s Monastery in Sauk Rapids, Minnesota this month. Here is how I got to where I am today.

Two years ago I was the regular freshman at the University of St. Thomas. I was glad to get away from home, be independent, and I was looking forward to many new experiences. Never having given any prior thought to a vocation outside of marriage, my first friendships at college were with young seminarians on campus. I was amazed at their deep love for the Church and their willingness to live a life of complete self-gift for the Church. This was encouraging and I began to foster a love for Christ and His Church.

Once they became aware of this, a few of them asked if I had ever thought about the religious life. I said, "Of course!" but then quickly assured them that I greatly desired to be a wife and mother. In my mind that was the end of that discussion but God had other plans.

During my second semester religious life seemed to pop up more and more frequently in my prayer. I tried my hardest to shove it away and focus on my call to marriage, but I was unable to. In my Christian Morality class the main project involved interviewing someone in your desired future profession and finding out how the Christian life is lived out in that specific lifestyle. I could have interviewed anyone, but, not really knowing why, I inquired about the religious life. I talked with my professor, and he connected me with a Dominican sister.

It was very inspiring for me to know these women who lived day in and day out in service to those around them through healthcare, education or numerous other acts of charity. They had given up their desires for an earthly spouse in order to truly become spouses of the Lord. They had given up their "bright futures", their families, their possessions...everything, in order to respond to the Lord in this beautiful way. What a blessing it would be if the Lord was calling me to this same way of life!

I came to see that it is a life of joy, because it is lived in response to the desire of the Lord. I saw that one does not "choose" to be a religious sister but is "chosen" to be a religious sister.

As I prayed and looked at various orders, I continually grew in my desire and love for the religious life, but at the same time I didn’t think that it was what the Lord desired of me. This brought me great sadness and confusion, because I thought that since I had "given in" to His suggestion and opened myself up to this "road less traveled," He would make it clear. I saw the amazing beauty and goodness in both walks of life, but I did not know to which one I was called, and this left me confused.

The summer after my freshman year I read A Story of a Soul by St. Therese of Lisieux, a Carmelite nun from the 1890’s. It is the autobiography of a girl who loved the Lord and the world so greatly that she yearned to give up her entire life so that she could give everything for others. She lived this out by entering an order of cloistered nuns, meaning that they lived their entire lives within walls from the day that they enter until the day they are buried in the vaults beneath their chapel. I began to fall in love with this almost unimaginable life. What a life she lived! How could one possibly live a life any closer to fulfilling St. Paul’s command to "pray without ceasing"? This woman lived a life of constant prayer for the world, and her greatest desire was to gain the whole world for the Lord. Her words seemed to perfectly coincide with the greatest desires of my own heart. I made this realization with great sadness, though, for I was almost sure that this way of life had been long since unheard of and extinct.

On my flight to Rome last fall to study abroad for a year, I found myself with very mixed emotions. My heart had seemed to find its rest in the cloistered life, but I feared that it was no longer a possibility. When I first met with my new spiritual director, I bombarded him with this entire story and all of the conflicting movements within my soul. His response was much unexpected: "Maria, you were correct to think that these orders are not well known, but they are far from extinct."

What followed was all I hoped and prayed for, an unbelievable and unexplainable year of discernment and growth in confidence regarding this vocation. By conversing with monasteries here in Minnesota and seeking out the Lord’s will for my life in prayer, I was greatly blessed with an overpowering peace and joy at the possibility of the cloistered contemplative life. I saw that a life of enclosure is not merely a life that is bounded by walls, but it is a life given completely for others in prayer and penance. The walls and the grills of a monastery are a nun’s protection from that which would distract her from her duties, constantly reminding her for Whom she is living, her Lord and Bridegroom, Jesus Christ.

This may seem foreign or illusive to many, but this is a great truth for those who have surrendered their own lives for His glory in this way.

With this desire and peace upon my heart, I returned to Marshall seven months ago and quickly made my first visit to the Monastery of Poor Clares in Sauk Rapids, MN. I found there the joy that I had experienced in my heart for the Lord and the love that only true spouses of the Lord glow with. My soul was finally and completely at rest. I had found my vocation exactly where I would have never looked and, in fact, where I did not even know existed. This is how the Lord worked in my life. His ways are mysterious, but His ways bring peace and joy. And so, with great hope in my heart, I long for January 1st, when I will take this huge step for the Lord, and I yearn for that day when I will be sure if this is His desire for me. I long to be a bride of Christ!